sadly, I am ashamed of myself
I had a friend who found out she had ovarian cancer - 10 years ago. She had 6 boys then, all under 12 - the youngest was 2. Her desire was to live to see the youngest one go to school. So she suffered treatment - chemo and radiotherapy and she got her wish. Her youngest one started school. Her cancer was in remission but she was constantly having treatments all those years. Her husband supported her, keeping his day time job as well as looking after the boys & the home. With help from neighbours and friends. He attended the Dr's appointments with her. He loved her and really, watched her die over the years. She finally gave up the fight and died 3 years ago.
Yesterday, I found out that he is getting married this weekend. 3 years after his first wifes death. I was so happy for him - he is still young and most of the boys have grown up - two only live at home now and lets face it men don't do too well looking after themselves.
However, I was in the supermarket yesterday afternoon and I ran into his sister in law and told her how happy I was for him - she pursed her lips and looked at me and said' it seems to me he rushed out as soon as *P* died, to find himself a new wife' - I was really taken aback - and thought to myself - *for heaven's sakes its been 3 years, are you there at night when the kids are in bed, talking to him? are you there to give him affection which all of us crave?* but I said nothing. I didn't stick up for him, I kept quiet and I am sad. I am sad that I didn't have the guts to say what I was thinking and to tell this woman that I know how it is - I went through similar years ago when my first husband was killed in the car accident. I met someone else a year later and got married. what the hell is wrong with that? and what the hell is wrong with people when they can't be happy for others? Chances at happiness in love the second time round don't happen alot but when they do - I say grab it with both hands and don't let go.
yes, I am sad and ashamed of myself that I didn't speak up.
posted by Miss Robyn | 8:41 am
23 Comments:
There's nothing to be ashamed of Robyn...maybe it was best for you to keep silent, just to keep the peace. My best friend Jane died 12 years ago of cancer and her husband found someone else 3 months after she had died. His sisters completely turned against him and I wish I could have told them that Jane had been very ill for 3 years before she died so her husband had been grieving already during those years...and they were not the ones who were alone night after night. So often we wish we would have said something but didn't...it certainly doesn't mean we don't care! Your friend knows how you feel...that's all that's important! xoxo
It most likely wouldn't have made any difference anyway. She probably had her mind made up and nothing you would have said would have changed it.
We all deserve to be happy and no one can know when that certain person will come along.
I find it extremely sad that there will always be people who will be so quick to judge like that. Never taking the time to think a little more deeply about the situation as you described here.
Nevermind his needs, or how long it's been, or any of that. It's like some people just need a target for their hostility.
People like that cause a lot of harm and it's all unprovoked and without foundation. Really sad.
Sometimes, it's not even worth saying anything. If they can't figure it out, why bother? It'll just be something else.
Marc
I would probably have been like you and just kept quiet too. Although I agree why shouldn't have another chance at happiness.
After three years he deserves another chance at happiness. But I wonder if that is the problem. His sister in law still has a hole in her life, and you can't replace a sister. She is hurting and can't be happy for him, it feels like a betrayal to her sister. Whereas her sister would in all probability want him to be happy.
Nothing you could say would help, only time can do that.
Your trying to defend him would have made no difference in her feelings and only caused more angst for you from her reaction to you speaking up. I completely agree with Sheila in that she is probably still hurting from the loss of her sister and no matter if she logically knows he has a right to be happy(which I am sure his late wife would want), the emotional side would have probably felt this way even if it had been TEN years later.
You did the right thing, imo, to just let it go. NOTHING to be ashamed of in the slightest.
XOXO
Sometimes it's better to be silent, and I believe this was one of those times. It's possible the sister is still grieving and it could take her much longer to come to terms with it.
You did the right thing.
I have to agree with all the previous comments - so won't redundantly add more - other than to say- give yourself a big hug and recognize how much you care for and empathise with others. A true gift.
It was probably not the right time or place to say anything further anyway, Robyn. However, if you still feel upset about it, perhaps you could write to the sister-in-law explaining how you feel, having been in a similar situation. Acknowledge that you understand she is still hurting and missing her sister. She may not have thought of things from his point of view.
agree agree agree with you that everyone deserves happiness no matter what their time frame is - its up to the individual to decide that. Happiness needs to grabbed when it shows up!
Hi - I am back from a long tiring trip to UK to look after my parents. Glad to be catching up on blogs now!
We've probably all had that feeling. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure that she couldn't be convinced anyway. Chances at love are rare enough the first time around...how wonderful that he's found it a second time...and you too. {{{{Robyn}}}}
I agree so much with what others have said here.
You did so well to remain silent and I am so pleased you were able to share with us all here.
Sometimes it is so difficult to articulate negative feelings/emotions.
hugs.
Dxx
Sending you much deserved h
Silence is golden and you did right not to comment. I too wonder like Sheila. The sister is very much hurting and some like me would like to think that a marriage is for keeps until death do us part and that maybe he could abstain from another relationship for a bit of time…jealousy? People react differently to the loss of a dear one. Some can cope quite well on their own and others need tangible affection. I guess there has to be a reason for her hostility. But I do agree that the man needs another chance at love.
Annabelle~^..^~ xo
I think like the rest you were right not to say anything at the time. It would have most likely not done any good and just made the sister feel even worse. Just be happy for him and let him know that you are. (((hugs)))
Don't be ashamed...you thought it...and that's really how you felt in your heart...and that's all that really counts! Nothing is wrong with finding someone else...most people don't get that lucky!
Don't feel bad about keeping quiet, Robyn, I too, feel the sister is still grieving and feeling jealous that he gets to go on with his life ~
Sending you angel hugs!
Robyn, I think sometimes things are better left unsaid. You did the right thing. We always question ourselves though, when we aren't sure.
People are living their own dream, and maybe personalize things too much. She may have thought her sister was irreplaceable. Which we all are-but life carries onwards. I don't think remarrying is a replacement for the departed spouse, it is simply a new beginning.
Like when you get a new pet, it doesn't and cannot replace your old pet, but you have love to give so you get another pet to love.
I am not trivializing a human relationship, just trying to give an example. Not sure if it makes sense.
You care a lot, and I am sorry for your loss too, this is something I didn't know about you. Thanks for sharing.
xoxo
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Oh, sweetie it probably wouldn't have made any difference what you said to her. Her mind was made up and she wasn't going to have it expanded by your words. People have to find their way forward at their own pace. Sadly, sometimes it takes years and sometimes people carry their anger/grief with them forever!
Don't be sad or ashamed. Would it have made any difference to her attitude? She's probably just hurting still. People are strange aren't they?
I didn't know that you'd been through *so* much in your life Robyn. You are such an inspiration to me.
You're probably better off buttoning up about that one, especially to the sister. You know he was right and you were right too. Everyone should be entitled to be happy and not be under the watchful eye of whomever. Glad you got your mag! It looked fun and it called "Robyn" when I walked by. Go figure! I'll be thinking of you this weekend!! Thanks for all the info you always give. xoxo
Robyn, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Read Matthew 7:6 and heed the words. You saved yourself a lot of trouble. She is a deeply unhappy woman and doesn't want anyone around her to be happy either. No time would have been long enough. Blessings to you to have found happiness a second time.
Robyn, dont be ashamed! you were merely being diplomatic, you were thinking of everybodies feelings. I think you are right, life goes on, it is possible to love again and it is not wrong, but this woman lost her sister and sees it differently, and you being the good soul that you are respected this, no harm done honey,but I am happy for this man it sounds like he deserves it!
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