philosophies & the truth

I am what they call a 'sensitive' - I feel others emotions and the more time goes on, the more I can feel. I can be at a shopping plaza and walk past someone and feel their sadness - it takes all my effort to stop myself from running up to them and hugging them and asking them if I can help them with their problems.

I am also artistic - I have an artist temperament, much like a chef - I bang doors and slam saucepans, I yell, scream and shout. I am passionate. I am a worrier. I am me.

these past few weeks has been an emotional rollercoaster for me - and all I seem to be doing is explaining and apologizing - I don't want to have people thinking 'oh geez, what is she on about now?' I don't want to be that person who people whisper about when I walk past and avert their eyes incase I lose it. oh gawd, here comes that mad woman from Woodford.

I was in the shower this morning ( from whence all my good thoughts come!) and I thought I would put it down in words - for me - to get some kind of meaning to it.

In my wisdom, a few weeks ago I decided I didn't need HRT. I took myself off the pills BAD IDEA ! slowly I have become more and more unbalanced to the point where I called my Dr yesterday and asked her if she thought maybe I was either manic depressive or clinically depressed - I told her I had taken my self of the HRT & she said - stop being so hard on myself - that I had been through alot over the past few years and that I need to learn to relax (yeah right try to relax living with a 17 year old daughter whose life I am wrecking & that I 'just don't understand'). Needless to say I am back on the HRT but it will take time to kick in - beware & be afraid, be very afraid

also - my blogging angst - I can't help when I go through this - I have many, many lovely friends through blogging but if one goes missing then I am like Jesus with the sheep - going out to find that one who was lost.- Some don't want to visit and then I begin to wonder why? why don't they like me

~ this has happened over the past week & it hurt, yes it did. one person decided they didn't want to visit me - emails went back and forth -me trying to work out what I had done - of course I realize now I did nothing - it is their choice. I find it so hard though when i visit other blogs and see these people commenting - I get a little pang of hurt.

- but this morning I remembered the words of our Priest - Father Michael. There was a lady many years ago who I knew just didn't like me. I tried everything to get her to like me and in the end I asked father Michael why she didn't like me? what had I done?

he said ' Robyn - you are a person with a wonderful personality - some people are very reserved, you are zany and full of life and some people cannot take your honesty or your baring of your soul. It is nothing you have done and you must not change as you bring light to many others. Send this woman on with love and may her life be as happy as yours'

- of course many, many of you have advised me with the same thing - have I listened? no! but today - December 1 - I am going to turn a new leaf. I am giving thanks to each of you who DO accept me for who I am, who don't judge me and I am going to send those others on with love! it may not be easy and I may stumble but I will get up, brush myself off and journey on.

oh and yes - I am off to buy THE book - Four Agreements - yes, I am Sheila!! I cannot do this by myself any longer.